An Ode to Selfishness

A poem on serving the Lord

Photo by Travis Emmett on Unsplash

Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause 

But whose Kingdom is it really, Lord? 

If I curate it, 

cultivate it, 

create it,

Isn’t it just a little bit mine? 

Is there joint custody on giving credit?

Can You take a little, while I take a lot? 

Or do I have to give it all to You? 

What if I just move in tandem with time,

Only in my time, though

Not in Your timing,

What if I chase my dreams,

I mean.. Pursue the desires of my heart, 

Which You definitely gave to me…

No need to question the things I want. 

Right?

What if I just serve the Self… 

You know, the “divine” part of me?

I don’t know if that’s real, 

But a man in a robe said so,

In a place he claimed was a church.

Out of context, sure, 

But in a context that works for me.

Yes, he said it was reasonable,

So… maybe it’s true? 

It can be reasonably true 

If I want it to be true…

Right? 

Your timing is too slow,

I’ll just make it happen,

Manifest it,

Stay motivated! 

Confess my vision,

But never my sin. 

Okay, okay, so what if I give in,

Can I “minister” to others 

But make sure that I come out on top?

Do they still get saved 

if I make their conversion all about me?

If I spoke the message,

Refined it,

Delivered it,

Can I be their savior, too? 

I don’t just need my own approval,

But also theirs. 

But mostly my own. 

I rarely think of Yours, though, God. 

What if loving myself is loving others,

You know, when you put nice quotes around it,

And a beige aesthetic on the ‘Gram, 

Then “self caring” is caring, 

As long as we’re sharing it in a Reel. 

Yes, let’s be real,

But never honest,

Because, honestly, who has the time

For vulnerability 

When relatability will sell. 

What if who You are is who I am?

What if I make myself God, 

I think I can do it better than You.

I’m pretty just,

Pretty fair,

Pretty unbiased, actually. 

Maybe.

I’d help myself, sure, 

But I’d definitely get around 

To helping others, too… 

Eventually. 

Probably. 

Maybe.

I’m trying to love me, 

The way they say I should.

I want them to see me self-assured

But I’m really just self consumed.

If i’m so full of self-love,

Why does it feel so empty? 

Why does it feel like self pity?

So temporary? 

So unfulfilling and boring

This unrelenting torment of performing.  

What if I corrupt the soul that You designed? 

Thinking of minds and willpower,

Selling books with catchy titles about

Mindfulness and the power of will.

What if I just sold a little more…

What if I just sold myself a little more

To the evil that’s now called good,

In a crowd that’s made themselves gods. 

The crowd said it,

So that settles it.

And yet… 

What if I reveal the place 

You created in secret

The masterpiece You died for, 

The workmanship You crafted, 

And I’m revealed to be imperfect. 

Impractical. 

Impossible to redeem,

By any human means. 

Aesthetically displeasing.

Disparate and desperate.

Destroyed by my own sin. 

Corrupt to the core. 

And yet…

What if I trusted You?

What if I learned who You really are, 

And who You are not,

Separate the lie from Truth

Through Your Word,

And the Holy Spirit,

And Your Body,

Your Church.

What if You were more than I ever expected? 

And nothing at all like me.

Higher thoughts,

Higher ways.

Better thoughts,

Better ways. 

What if I made room for You?

If I decreased,

And You increased,

Would I see an increase in my life?

Not in things to be selfishly gained,

But in selfishness to be lost. 

An increase in love,

Joy and Peace,

Patience and Kindness,

Goodness and Faithfulness,

Gentleness and Self Control. 

Less of me,

More of You. 

Less of this world,

And more of Your Kingdom

O Lord,

Do not allow me to stay in a position of lying to myself,

But allow me the privilege of dying to myself.

Let Your voice drown out all others!

False gods, 

Setting themselves up like reason and truth. 

But the only reasonable Truth is following the Way,

The only Way.

And the Way has a name,

And His name is Jesus. 

Show me Your will, 

Which is my purpose. 

To be heaved and lifted up,

Shaped like a cross,

Borne across my back.

As I take one step

And another,

Each day a moment closer.

Earth into eternity.

Toward You, God. 

The One who was,

The One who is,

The One who is to come. 

The One who matters,

Who crafted matter into something,

And gave to Adam, to name and steward. 

Help me steward all You’ve placed in my hands.

It’s not mine to mind,

After all, 

It’s always been Yours. 

Save me, oh Father in Heaven!

I can’t go on without You.

Help me, Jesus! 

I won’t go on without You.

Guide me, Holy Spirit! 

I have died,

And yet…

I live. 

Amen.